13 March 2012
Vietnamese coffee for dinner was a bad idea. It has left me with too much energy. I feel jumpy. I feel anxious. I feel nauseous.
Maybe it was the Greek yogurt before dinner + spicy bun bo hue + coffee combination. Hrm.
This combination of anxiety is too much for me. I have too much energy and too many things I want to channel the energy towards: studying, working through physics problems, reading amazing stories, writing about deep thoughts, watching shows, more running, etc.
I want something more. I always want more. I want to experience all of the endless possibilities of life. There's so little time to accomplish everything. More than often, I find myself sitting still and contemplating what to do. Time passes by too quickly during those pensive moments. And before I even realize it, the day is done. I need to be more assertive with my decisions.
At this particular moment, it has taken about two hours for me to finally write this post. I'm too jumpy. I think too much and do too little.
There's always more to life. Contemplating it isn't enough. Talking about it will never satisfy me. I must do more. I need to constantly be reminded of this simple idea. Sigh. This surge of anxiety is too much for me right now. It's still a good reminder to define passion and drive.
The laziness subdues this feeling. Sometimes, I relish it. Being lazy calms my nerves. But AHHH!!
I want more. I want more. I want to know more. I want to accomplish so much. I'm nervous that I won't be able to do everything in my life.
Right now I want someone to calm me down. But he's too far away. I want him to tell me that everything will be okay. I need him to tell me not to be nervous. I need to know that life won't be such a pain. I want too much right now. I don't know how to express anything.
Been searching for something good to read to fill the empty spots in my brain. GAH.
Turning off the Watcher in my mind to type away. Mindlessly.
Show me. Show me.
I think this song sums up my feelings a bit:
Life: the culmination of desires and feelings, and the willingness/strength to pursue those desires. Actions are so much more. Dreaming isn't enough. This is what I need to be successful and happy.
I know what I want. I've always known where I want to end up and what I want to become. But it's so scary to even get there. The challenges. Ah. The hardships along the way. Again, I need to work on building up the mentality to get there.
Rant rant.
Let's work towards a good future. I want to keep dreaming. I want to believe it will be real. I need to make it real. Small steps. Baby steps. I'll start with doing more homework problems.
Challenges. I know the next two years of my life won't be the easiest. Praying for the strength to endure and to grow from this process. I have so much more to learn. I need to be more patient. I need to be kind. I need to be tolerant. I need to be understanding. I need to know how to accomplish small goals. I need to think about my words. I really need to be patient with my family.
So much to work on.
I am afraid of failing.
Labels: anxiety, anxious, caffeine high, desires, life, useless rants
01 May 2011
I live with walls around me and I feel exposed without them. Opened doors bring me discomfort. I like my bubble, with the windows open for air. The application to this preference to my personality is hardly profound. I'm defensive, I'm stubborn, and I'm skeptical about too many things. I do not trust. So, is it really difficult to grasp why I'm so upset over a small lie?
Labels: mad, upset at the world, useless rants
28 April 2011
...remember to get rid of the evidence. Seriously.
Labels: angry, danggit I feel stupid, mad, useless rants, WTF MANNG
15 April 2011
I went to bed last night with my lecture podcast still playing. Dr. Bautista had expressed his disclaimer for the class for students to take the facts and gather their own conclusions on the drugs, and had moved on to differentiating between drug use and drug abuse. The cough and allergy medicine had started to kick in around 1:30 AM. I figured I might as well make an attempt to study a bit more while I was falling asleep. A collective of ideas for my paper topic were still swarming in my head.
I love their songs. And I especially love their lyrics. After battling through the complexity of literary characters from the mentioned stories and trying to conversate with them about drug use in French, I felt an odd sense of relief. For a moment, I felt like I was back in high school years, listening to the songs on my MP3 player while laying in bed. I felt at peace. Undisturbed. I was back at home, with my mom most likely preparing food and my dad reading a book, or watching PBS. I felt secure again. I felt safe. I couldn't wait to eat dinner with my family.
The pangs from realizing the feeling was all nostalgia brought me back to the present. I fell asleep again to thoughts of my classes. More verbs, more symbolism and imagery to refine into a paper argument, and more about drugs to learn.
It's a difficult thing to do, beyond what is familiar and secure. My temporary moment of relief was nice. I liked it. But I don't think I should get caught up in it again for a long time.
26 March 2011
1. Regardless of the situation, I always find myself in a position where I don't like what I'm doing. I would always, most definitely, prefer to be somewhere else.
Examples?
Sometimes, when I'm at school, I miss my family and I wish I were at home with them. And when I get to go home and an argument ensues, etc, I just want to go back.
Small things like that. These situations and scenarios pile up over time. People are prone to oversights in estimating their emotional states in future/potential situations. It sucks, yes, really does, but it happens a lot. People aren't that great at predicting their own emotions. It's a fact I learned from my psychology class. (I swear, I learned a lot, even though some things may suggest otherwise.. :X)
I may have reached a point where I'm so used to it, I just tune out of my environment. I figured that out earlier when I attempted to watch the television with zero sound, and ignored the conversations and people around me. If I don't want to be somewhere and I'm physically stuck there, I will let my mind wander elsewhere. Sometimes, I don't mind being there. But I have better ways to spend my time. I can waste away MYSELF!
2. I hate wasting away.
Especially on someone else's terms. I can just chill around myself juuust fine and kill the same amount of time. More productively, I would hope so. And if I'm wasting away with company, at least make me feel like I'm at leeeast wanted. That's not too much to ask for, right?
3. I hate it when people think pouting and sulking will magically solve their problems.
The world would be a much better place if such actions solved everything and anything. Sure, it sucks to be in a shitty situation. Doing those things may relieve some feelings.
Instead of pulling those facial muscles to frown and lower eyebrows, how about some negation of blood to the brain for EXTRA thinking power to help with one's logic and reason through a situation. Or just open the mouth, activate some vocal cords, and frickin talk it out, instead of looking like a mute child, unable to express any form of thought.
4. I hate it when people think their interpretation of a problem correctly identifies the real underlying issue, when it fact, it does not.
Brain skills, please? And try to figure it out, instead of skipping off happily or carefreely back into blahblah land.
5. I hate being angry, grumpy, irritable, and annoyed ALL THE DAMN TIME BECAUSE OF STUPID SHIT! >:[
6. I hate attachments of any sort.
7. I hate how much of a wuss Poi Poi has been to other dogs -__-
8. I hate it when there is no response given to a message.
9. I hate being angry all the time. AGAIN.
10. I hate how I'm not sleeping.
So late, and I have to wake up early for the Lego convention. DAMN MOLD in bf's car because water spilled out from a container I got from Woot -____- allergies been killing me. AHHH
Labels: boo, don't hate me, list, things i hate doing, useless rants
13 March 2011
Like many, I leisurely browse through my tumblr dashboard, liking posts with pretty pictures, deep, thought provoking quotes about life, love, failure, success, and self-acceptance, while occasionally reblogging things for the heck of it. I've subscribed to a bunch of groups, particularly the ones following the "FUCKYEAH(insert any reference here)!" format. There's fuckyeahLost, fuckyeahwelshcorgis, fuckyeahAudreyHepburn, fuckyeahJJAbrams, fuckyeahlove, etc. The list goes on. I'm on the bandwagon for Lost fandom, Harry Potter fandom, Inception fandom, Glee fandom (although my interest in the show has digressed), Disney love, pretty foods, more pretty foods,
Labels: observations, oddities, opinions, rants, tumblr, useless rants