rêves d'une âme perdue: inclined confusion

my late-lunch/his dinner for the day. dry curry with ground pork, a side of Tejava, and the flowers he sent me!

Updates have been seldom on this blog, but all for good reason. I was spending more time with the boyfriend before he had to leave for vet school.

I just feel a loss for words right now. Instead, tears and pangs of sadness are my familiarities. My attempt at productivity today was found in unpacking, doing laundry, and cleaning my room. Cleaning the room made me even more upset. It's weird to know that he won't be around to throw his socks around anymore, or any of those little things he did that gave me minor frustrations after cleaning. It's sad, but I got teary and sad yesterday evening when we were brushing our teeth after dinner when I thought of how we won't be able to brush together anymore. He just laughed at me, with his toothbrush still in his mouth, and tried to hug me while I was still brushing and crying :[

I need to get used to how things were before everything. It's just a lot harder than it should be right now. And I feel bad because things will be much more difficult for him because he's in a new place by himself. I don't want to be so upset around him when we do get to talk, so.. must try harder :[

My life as of late. I'm sparing the photos which chronicle my failed attempts to study during finals week (of tea, water, burnt pizzas, snacks, etc). With less than a week left until my commencement ceremony, I will savor this carefree feeling a little longer. I'll just focus on studying and sleeping until Tuesday! :]

With twelve total in the batch, I portioned the ingredients to half of everything in the recipe found online (the same one I used the first time). This batch was baked for 20 minutes. The comments from various sites and blogs were very helpful. I added a bit of cinnamon into the graham cracker crust. It is recommended that vanilla waffers be used as the crust of mini-cheesecakes because it has a better texture. I may try that next time, and I'm tempted to make cheesecakes with Oreos, too :]

Butter the tin before pouring in the batter and crust. This helps with the cracks. Always remember a water bath to keep the cake moist. And this tip is to be suuper safe with the cracked cakes: use a warmed/buttered knife to separate the cake from the sides of the tin. The buttered sides should already help, but just in case the batter sticks to the sides, it may cause the cake to separate and crack while cooling.

I live with walls around me and I feel exposed without them. Opened doors bring me discomfort. I like my bubble, with the windows open for air. The application to this preference to my personality is hardly profound. I'm defensive, I'm stubborn, and I'm skeptical about too many things. I do not trust. So, is it really difficult to grasp why I'm so upset over a small lie?

...remember to get rid of the evidence. Seriously.

I went to bed last night with my lecture podcast still playing. Dr. Bautista had expressed his disclaimer for the class for students to take the facts and gather their own conclusions on the drugs, and had moved on to differentiating between drug use and drug abuse. The cough and allergy medicine had started to kick in around 1:30 AM. I figured I might as well make an attempt to study a bit more while I was falling asleep. A collective of ideas for my paper topic were still swarming in my head.

I just finished the Awakening for my ENL seminar class. This is the second time I have read the novel, with the first time being the summer of my junior year for AP Lit. The same impressions from the first reading remain with me, although I did find myself more intrigued the second time around.

Okay, so the story is about this discontented woman from Kentucky who lives among the Creoles in New Orleans. She's not very fond of her husband, she's not really a mother-woman, and she comes to the realization that she has desires, etc. She falls for this gentleman while on vacation with her family. Because he's such a gentleman, he runs off to Mexico to resist his desire. She's devastated (uhm, she's married??). She attempts to attain a sense of freedom from her social expectations and her mother-woman/wife duties to work on her art. She asserts her freedom when her husband goes to New York for business. And after a while, she eventually has a relationship with a really shady guy (everyyone knows it!), all-the-while thinking about the one who ran to Mexico. She's the unconventional woman of the time.

I dislike her. She's annoyingly selfish. A few of the characters call her actions childish because she never gives time to reflect on her choices. She's impulsive. I'm all for empowering women's choice and being selfish for one's own desires, I really do. I hate being confined.

What Edna represents repulses me because she gives so little thought to her actions. She's walking around like a drama queen. Oh, and the fact that she comes to the realization that there is more to the world around her, at age 26, baffles the hell outta me.

I sympathize with her cause and her confusion through all her troubles. I get that she's unhappy. I understand that she wants to be her own woman. I know she just wants true love. But the fact that she drowns herself at the end of the novel after her long-awaited awakening makes me think that her whole journey was insignificant and pointless.

If she can't live with the choices she's made, then she's weak. Mademoiselle Reisz was right. Only birds with strong wings have the courage to make self-sacrificing choices. Edna Pontellier deludes herself with the idea and causes her own demise. She just dies -__-

Dumbest female character to grace the pages of literature. Although, I retract my statement for a moment to say this: Edna Pontellier is the dumbest female character to grace the pages of early 19th century literature. For modern novels, the protagonist from Memoirs of a Geisha is pretty damn stupid.

She would have been heroic if she didn't off herself -____-

1. Regardless of the situation, I always find myself in a position where I don't like what I'm doing. I would always, most definitely, prefer to be somewhere else.

Examples?

Sometimes, when I'm at school, I miss my family and I wish I were at home with them. And when I get to go home and an argument ensues, etc, I just want to go back.

Small things like that. These situations and scenarios pile up over time. People are prone to oversights in estimating their emotional states in future/potential situations. It sucks, yes, really does, but it happens a lot. People aren't that great at predicting their own emotions. It's a fact I learned from my psychology class. (I swear, I learned a lot, even though some things may suggest otherwise.. :X)

I may have reached a point where I'm so used to it, I just tune out of my environment. I figured that out earlier when I attempted to watch the television with zero sound, and ignored the conversations and people around me. If I don't want to be somewhere and I'm physically stuck there, I will let my mind wander elsewhere. Sometimes, I don't mind being there. But I have better ways to spend my time.  I can waste away MYSELF!


2. I hate wasting away.


Especially on someone else's terms. I can just chill around myself juuust fine and kill the same amount of time. More productively, I would hope so. And if I'm wasting away with company, at least make me feel like I'm at leeeast wanted. That's not too much to ask for, right?


3. I hate it when people think pouting and sulking will magically solve their problems.

The world would be a much better place if such actions solved everything and anything. Sure, it sucks to be in a shitty situation. Doing those things may relieve some feelings.

Instead of pulling those facial muscles to frown and lower eyebrows, how about some negation of blood to the brain for EXTRA thinking power to help with one's logic and reason through a situation. Or just open the mouth, activate some vocal cords, and frickin talk it out, instead of looking like a mute child, unable to express any form of thought.

4. I hate it when people think their interpretation of a problem correctly identifies the real underlying issue, when it fact, it does not.

Brain skills, please? And try to figure it out, instead of skipping off happily or carefreely back into blahblah land.

5. I hate being angry, grumpy, irritable, and annoyed ALL THE DAMN TIME BECAUSE OF STUPID SHIT! >:[

6. I hate attachments of any sort.

7. I hate how much of a wuss Poi Poi has been to other dogs -__-

8. I hate it when there is no response given to a message.

9. I hate being angry all the time. AGAIN.

10. I hate how I'm not sleeping.

So late, and I have to wake up early for the Lego convention. DAMN MOLD in bf's car because water spilled out from a container I got from Woot -____- allergies been killing me. AHHH

• Poi Poi bringing me her leash <3 !!
• bf getting me food at 4 AM, taking care of me through finals
• bf hanging out with me at Borders while I studied
• bf and Poi Poi at Meyer with me while I crammed for BIS
• walking out of BIS to see bf and Poi Poi waiting for me :]]
• visits from friends. C visited today!! A and A did, too!
• Burgers & Brew with housemates. And Shoki Ramen

Like many, I leisurely browse through my tumblr dashboard, liking posts with pretty pictures, deep, thought provoking quotes about life, love, failure, success, and self-acceptance, while occasionally reblogging things for the heck of it. I've subscribed to a bunch of groups, particularly the ones following the "FUCKYEAH(insert any reference here)!" format. There's fuckyeahLost, fuckyeahwelshcorgis, fuckyeahAudreyHepburn, fuckyeahJJAbrams, fuckyeahlove, etc. The list goes on. I'm on the bandwagon for Lost fandom, Harry Potter fandom, Inception fandom, Glee fandom (although my interest in the show has digressed), Disney love, pretty foods, more pretty foods, 

Dear World,

I will never understand your fascination with apocalyptic stories or films. In the midsts of watching Battle: LA, I had one request in mind: Staff Sergent, please hand me a gun so I take myself out. No more, please. Enough.

We’ve all seen it before: movies depicting horrific alien invaders attempting to colonize Earth, blasting the crap out of any human in sight. There’s the scruffy military guys and gals, clad in camouflage with guns and amo strapped to every inch of their worn out arms, legs, thighs, waists, whatever. With sweat on their brow some cower in fear as they are cornered by this unknown enemy, while others become heroes, rescuing civilians, all of them trying to overcome the odds to survive.

Seriously, if some large alien invaders had guns coming out of their arms, paired with endless bullets and dead-on shooting accuracy, they would have zero trouble killing a lone soldier.

Consider the cast of characters. These movies usually focus on a solitary, usually emotionless main character, trying to find redemption or forgiveness for a past event. More than often, they're trying to establish a new identity, with motivation stemmed from a disturbing past. They just want to make things right. For Battle: LA, we have Aaron Eckhart’s character, who was rumored to have left his men for dead during some previous military mission. He defies our expectations to lead a new crew through the alien bitch attack, and miraculously, most of them survive, ignore the hot showers and deliciously warm breakfasts, only to immediately restock their weaponry and rush out to pwn some more alien n00bz. Flyyy those copters. "LETZ TAKE BACK LA! YEEE" WHOOP WHOOP!

PLEASE. The storyline offered little resolution to calm and satisfy this audience member. Sure, they found a way to take out the enemy, but can they really chase them away? Is there REALLY hope for mankind? I want answers, not more questions. It was obvious from the beginning and previews how the typical storyline expectation of the human race surviving and being victorious would be the format of the movie. There was the coursework of building action and anticipation, along with the attempt to establish a sympathetic connection to the civillians and soliders, deaths, etc. The ultimate letdown of the conclusion made me want to toss the popcorn in the air and scream, “WHAT THE FUCK!?”

I felt cheated.

I have deviated from the topic. Back to the main point, these movies are formulaic. They follow a specific format. It's a fucking template with specific rules, like how children can't ever die, even when dead bodies are flying all over the place. My point is that people are fascinated by this end of the world bullshit because they want an escape from their lives. Believing that things can suddenly end brings them peace. Maybe they won't have to do the whole 9-5 job thing anymore. Instead, they can run around a wrecked city in a chaotic frenzy with lasers being shot at their butts. Throw your hands up in the airrr! It's a PARTAAAYY! Much better, right? Or knowing that their shitty problems can disappear in an instant. No more debts. Banks, SUCK IT! New start, to the max!!!

It's a fascination with the primitive instinct to act and survive. To have the adrenaline rush while sitting on the couch, munching on salty, buttery popcorn. It's the childish fantasy to be part of the badass group with guns, grenades, and rifles, with missels launching in every direction. It's knowing the world won't really end, but you can get worked up over it while thinking it might.

I'll talk about 2012 predictions another day.

Oh me, oh myy. I slept in this morning, and spent most of the day chilling with my book and my pillows. Read a lot of CNN and NPR while the bf watched the feed on Japan's aftermath. Very depressing :/ and he's depressed, too :[ sad, sad, sad.

Good news of the day: we took a walk to Common Grounds with C. Took Poi Poi with us :] it was her very first official walk outside the confines of our home and backyard. She was well-behaved, especially when compared to the (cuuuutee) corgi, barking her butt off inside someone's car (had a pretty pink collar, though!). YEEEE.

Study time soon. Or err, Chipotle, since it's the last day of the BOGO deal xD round fourrr!~

Mochaaa with added expresso shots to help me stay awake tonight

whoawhoawhoa, picturees?!

Tick, tick, tick. 

she always has such sad eyes x___x

2/26. Oh myy.

And it's preventing me from writing my paper, due tomorrow.

• beer
• charcuterie
• cheese
• chocolate
• coffee
• pickles and preserves 

coffee love! :]

fresh coffee beans!

"whyy sooo serious?!"

After a few hours of browsing around, trying out the samples, and purchasing our favorites to bring home, we walked to Chinatown and Little Italy to explore. The walk was nice :] we found some interesting buildings and passed a variety of shops. I definitely prefer the feel of SF's Chinatown to New York's. It's less dirty. There were a good amount of people at the markets. I know it's Chinatown, but it made me think of the markets in Vietnam. And I miss the scents, noise, and feel of the early morning markets :[

We got some keychains and toys, like the Scarecrow and Joker one there :D
Somewhere around Little Italy, we spotted four hookers o__O IN DAYLIGHT!!! They were just hanging out in an alley by a bunch of strip clubs. HRM.

we went up a bunch of steps for this view! :]

and he got tired :[

I liked the turtle bread and crab bread from this display. TOO CUUUTE!! There was also a pet shop WITH THE CUTEST PUPPIES, EVERR! Makes a girl want a dog even more :[ Must wait for my future corgi. SIGH.

It's been a while since I have taken the bus. With my notebook dead for a majority of the day, along with my dead cell phone, I was temporarily liberated from the rest of the technologically advanced world. Yes, I was liberated. And the feeling was great.