rêves d'une âme perdue: inclined confusion

20 February 2012

6.0 - Photo Recap Of The Week

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 2:52 AM

Starting from Sunday, since I did not post many photos this week:

the lovely com tam feast from mother :]

Red velvet and fruits basket cake at Freeport Bakery with Christina.

the heartwarming card from Minhchau

outing with Amanda and uncle. BJ's for happy hour, right after we had McD's

Cafe Rolle feast with Andy

Ruby Skye Mardi Gras celebration, featuring R3hab.

18 February 2012

4.0 - Over the Bridge

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 8:20 PM

I am stuck in traffic on the Golden Gate Bridge right now. Writing an entry here should suffice to make my daily quota of writing, although the content may be lacked.

Only a few days have passed, yet I feel like I have lost some of the feelings I had previously. This thought just reinforces the importance of writing every day.

Thursday, I had a nice conversation with my uncle and cousin during dinner. The opinions we all shared has helped contribute to my overall view of filial responsibilities, yet the strength of those feelings have decreased by now. They have died down, just a bit.

Friday was very nice. The day was full of pleasant surprises and absolute love from the friends. Andy took me to lunch at Cafe Rolle. We took photos with the chef and manager. It was a lovely and delicious lunch. And I found a new favorite white wine!

Friday night was spent at Burgers&Brew with Andy and Michelle. We frequented a few bars downtown. The feeling is different now. I certainly didn't see or feel the same as I did when I first turned 21. Everything has a different vibe.

Elaborations to come. The process of growing up still confuses me. Ah.

16 February 2012

3.0 - Amazing Track - the New Happy Song

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 1:25 AM

Steerner & Tjernberg Ft. Beerg & Haal - Names

I am floating to this song.

2.5 - Refreshment

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 1:22 AM

Today was such an uplifting day. It was a good day.

I definitely needed the refreshment.

The dullest days always transform into best ones when you least expect it. When old and dear friends grace your life, for even the briefest moment, your breath just stops. You exhale after the encounter. You find the ability to let go of the negativity swirling in your mind. You let go of the weights which have kept you down. You refuse to let them taunt you anymore. You discover the strength you have been desperately seeking to simply be you again.

heartfelt talks and special peanut candies!

It has been a long time since I have been able to look beyond the darkness surrounding me. My moods have been terrible over the past few weeks.

I attribute the recent change to my dearest friends. I really do not have many anymore.

Minhchau calls these people her inner circle. I cannot think of another way to term to describe them.

You meet different people throughout life. They fit into different categories: casual acquaintances, coworkers, classmates, housemates, annoying drunk people, etc. There are the ones you spend time with because you adore them, but they cannot understand you. You know this and you keep yourself separated from them. You stay distanced. Then, there are the ones who see your heart. They peer into your soul. They completely connect to your thoughts and inner-most feelings. They completely understand your sentiments. They leave you with a profound feeling of awe for how much someone can just get it.

Christina has been trying to save me from of my depression. I love her to bits for always being there. She gives me constant love and support. I know I can be scary sometimes. But she accepts me for my flaws. She encourages me to work on myself: morally, spiritually, and socially. I am trying.

I miss being excited about the endless possibilities of life.

With Minhchau, we talked about our families, our heritage, our goals, and our relationships. We talked about where we came from. We focused on our parents: their past, their current lives, their happiness, their endless expectations. Their unconditional love. We talked about what we have accomplished and where we want to be in life. We acknowledged our inspiration. We reminded ourselves of why we work so hard. We reflected on our personal growth. How much we have matured. We pondered over the challenges to come. They are unknown. They are scary. We tried to imagined the future, but couldn't.

Every time we meet for a chat, she gives me a renewed sense of life. I love it.

Some relationships are just that beautiful. I am utterly grateful to have these two women in my life. I cannot thank them enough for their endless love.

15 February 2012

2.0 - Lyrical Mornings

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 1:01 PM

"Never want to stand upon myself
Never want to get in the way… I said it
I don't know what the plan is,
But you can share with me.
'Cause I'll be listening here to everything you say
I won't turn away and I'll listen, open up my heart
and I must say that I love you

Ooooh la love, I've fallen in love and it's better this time than ever before
Ooooh la love, I've fallen in love and it's better this time than I've ever known"

Foster the People - I Would Do Anything For You

I've been stuck on this song for the past few days. I'll attribute my fascination to the vinyl record I play every weekend. (Thanks bf! I'm totally stealing it from you.) I absolutely love the lyrics. Each line is filled with such sweet sentiments. Confessions of undying devotion and love.

Please excuse my slightly sappy phase. I much prefer it to the emo/depressing episode I have recently endured. Let's hope this keeps up for a while. I could use this change.

1.5 - Valentine's Day

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 12:34 AM

I've finally come to peace with Ugly Hearts Day. I am accepting a value beyond indulgence in consumerism.

I am choosing to look past the shallow expressions of love.

The pink and red surround me. It makes me feel like a child, fluttering through an elementary school classroom. I look to the walls and the decorations for the colorful indications of specific holidays. Now? February. My birth month. The deemed month of love. Even Starbucks has those pretty cups with hearts on them.

The rosy colors have been alluring reminders to express love for people in our lives. I still firmly believe that the expression of love should not be isolated to one specific day. Instead, it should be expressed every day. But it's nice to have that specific day to force the loved ones to do something nice for you. I am quite happy and content with that idea. I refuse to complain about being spoiled! :]

The boyfriend is off at school. This is how life will be for the next few years. As my newsfeed flooded with photos of flowers and extravagant gifts, I could not help but feel a tinge of envy. The posts were focused on the material worth of the item. Perhaps some thought was given to the love fostered in the items. Hrm, I highly doubt it. I believe a majority of the people who posted (gift) photos did not give much thought to the simplest thing: their ability to be close to each other. That is what I envy.

I just want my boyfriend here. With me. Even for just a day. I want to be close to him. But he's far away on a desolate island to study for class, to work and volunteer in-between, and to frolic on pretty beaches. Boo.

I'm still grateful for everything. I need to be more alert and count my blessings more often.

Valentine's Day 2012 Breakdown:

Woke up to find a card from my mother. It was the sweetest thing, ever.
Woke up to an adorable text from the boyfriend.
Ate Trader Joe's chocolate in class to stay awake. Utter failure.
Spent part of the afternoon with my father.
Received a video surprise from the boyfriend: a Lego stop motion video ^__^
Spent my evening at Starbucks. Studied.
Chatted and had a small HIMYM date with the boyfriend.

This is too much writing for me today. I shall end it now.

14 February 2012

1.0 - Difficulties

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 11:36 PM

No matter how many times I tell myself to start writing again, I always seem to fail.

The failure is more consistent than my promises to write.

The point of daily goals is to strive towards some point of redemption. At least, that's how it is for me. I need to be able to keep up with these personal promises to feel accomplished. I need to stop disappointing myself.

Writing: this was something I used to love to do. I shrugged it off when I was told how it gets harder to write when you're older. I always imagined that age brought wisdom and experiences write about. I was wrong. I have found difficulties in fully expressing my feelings. In the process of growing up and maturing, I grew accustomed to shoveling my feelings beneath the guise of inexplicable emotions. I piled them in lonesome stacks. Labeling the feelings as indescribable made them easier to ignore. I moved past them. I forgot them.

But I want to remember them again.

I want to remember how to express emotions to myself. I want to be able to express how I feel to those around me. Really, how did I get to this point? I find myself incapable of expressing gratitude, thanks, and adoration to loved ones. I'm muted, as though there's invisible tape on my lips.

This needs to change.

A month-or-so post-college, and I'm still trying to find myself. Why did things look easier when I was little? Why can't I accomplish simple things anymore?

Here's one solution: I need to control my Watcher. I will number my posts and write. Write, write, write away. Write like no one is watching. Write like no one is holding a red pen, ready to stab away at my words. Write until I overcome the despairing, self-imposed restrictions of expression.

I got this.

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