15 February 2012
I've finally come to peace with Ugly Hearts Day. I am accepting a value beyond indulgence in consumerism.
I am choosing to look past the shallow expressions of love.
The pink and red surround me. It makes me feel like a child, fluttering through an elementary school classroom. I look to the walls and the decorations for the colorful indications of specific holidays. Now? February. My birth month. The deemed month of love. Even Starbucks has those pretty cups with hearts on them.
The rosy colors have been alluring reminders to express love for people in our lives. I still firmly believe that the expression of love should not be isolated to one specific day. Instead, it should be expressed every day. But it's nice to have that specific day to force the loved ones to do something nice for you. I am quite happy and content with that idea. I refuse to complain about being spoiled! :]
The boyfriend is off at school. This is how life will be for the next few years. As my newsfeed flooded with photos of flowers and extravagant gifts, I could not help but feel a tinge of envy. The posts were focused on the material worth of the item. Perhaps some thought was given to the love fostered in the items. Hrm, I highly doubt it. I believe a majority of the people who posted (gift) photos did not give much thought to the simplest thing: their ability to be close to each other. That is what I envy.
I just want my boyfriend here. With me. Even for just a day. I want to be close to him. But he's far away on a desolate island to study for class, to work and volunteer in-between, and to frolic on pretty beaches. Boo.
I'm still grateful for everything. I need to be more alert and count my blessings more often.
Valentine's Day 2012 Breakdown:
- Woke up to find a card from my mother. It was the sweetest thing, ever.
- Woke up to an adorable text from the boyfriend.
- Ate Trader Joe's chocolate in class to stay awake. Utter failure.
- Spent part of the afternoon with my father.
- Received a video surprise from the boyfriend: a Lego stop motion video ^__^
- Spent my evening at Starbucks. Studied.
- Chatted and had a small HIMYM date with the boyfriend.
This is too much writing for me today. I shall end it now.
14 February 2012
No matter how many times I tell myself to start writing again, I always seem to fail.
The failure is more consistent than my promises to write.
The point of daily goals is to strive towards some point of redemption. At least, that's how it is for me. I need to be able to keep up with these personal promises to feel accomplished. I need to stop disappointing myself.
Writing: this was something I used to love to do. I shrugged it off when I was told how it gets harder to write when you're older. I always imagined that age brought wisdom and experiences write about. I was wrong. I have found difficulties in fully expressing my feelings. In the process of growing up and maturing, I grew accustomed to shoveling my feelings beneath the guise of inexplicable emotions. I piled them in lonesome stacks. Labeling the feelings as indescribable made them easier to ignore. I moved past them. I forgot them.
But I want to remember them again.
I want to remember how to express emotions to myself. I want to be able to express how I feel to those around me. Really, how did I get to this point? I find myself incapable of expressing gratitude, thanks, and adoration to loved ones. I'm muted, as though there's invisible tape on my lips.
This needs to change.
A month-or-so post-college, and I'm still trying to find myself. Why did things look easier when I was little? Why can't I accomplish simple things anymore?
Here's one solution: I need to control my Watcher. I will number my posts and write. Write, write, write away. Write like no one is watching. Write like no one is holding a red pen, ready to stab away at my words. Write until I overcome the despairing, self-imposed restrictions of expression.
I got this.
27 August 2011
Disregarding the 4,000-or-so miles between us, the boyfriend and I have managed to have two dates together (so far!). Our first date took place during his first week away. We watched Through the Wormhole, since we were unable to watch it together before he left. The anticipation for the first episode has been building since he bought the entire season!
Our second date was supposed to be on one of those month marks :P I had to work over the weekend to help with sampling at the lab. K asked me to check for a package that he was expecting that day. Knowing him, I assumed it was some bulk order of gadgets from ThinkGeek. And our professor invited everyone to dinner, so I told him that I'd have our housemate sign for it.
I came home to a vase of flowers. Sadly, I didn't spot it until an hour later. I rushed to my room without turning on the lights in the living room, hoping to catch the bf online, but he had disappeared. Sulked in my room for a bit before seeing the surprise downstairs.
 |
| stir, stir, stir the curry! |
We had to reschedule our second date because he fell asleep.. -_____- SIGH. Uber fail. We still managed to cook dry curry together :]
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| my late-lunch/his dinner for the day. dry curry with ground pork, a side of Tejava, and the flowers he sent me! |
And we ate it together, too! :]
08 August 2011
Updates have been seldom on this blog, but all for good reason. I was spending more time with the boyfriend before he had to leave for vet school.
I just feel a loss for words right now. Instead, tears and pangs of sadness are my familiarities. My attempt at productivity today was found in unpacking, doing laundry, and cleaning my room. Cleaning the room made me even more upset. It's weird to know that he won't be around to throw his socks around anymore, or any of those little things he did that gave me minor frustrations after cleaning. It's sad, but I got teary and sad yesterday evening when we were brushing our teeth after dinner when I thought of how we won't be able to brush together anymore. He just laughed at me, with his toothbrush still in his mouth, and tried to hug me while I was still brushing and crying :[
I need to get used to how things were before everything. It's just a lot harder than it should be right now. And I feel bad because things will be much more difficult for him because he's in a new place by himself. I don't want to be so upset around him when we do get to talk, so.. must try harder :[
05 June 2011
My life as of late. I'm sparing the photos which chronicle my failed attempts to study during finals week (of tea, water, burnt pizzas, snacks, etc). With less than a week left until my commencement ceremony, I will savor this carefree feeling a little longer. I'll just focus on studying and sleeping until Tuesday! :]
08 May 2011
In accordance to the annual strawberry cheesecake tradition for my mother on her birthday, I decided to attempt mini-cheesecakes for Mother's Day. I figured a homemade gift would be more thoughtful and that it would go along nicely with flowers. This was my second cheesecake attempt, with the first being the large New York style cheesecake I made for my boyfriend upon his return from Japan. It didn't crack, thank goodness. Still, I was nervous for these cakes. I want to impress my mother and the family.This was certainly a challenge. Initially, I had planned on looking for a 4.5 inch pan to make small cheesecakes, since my mother isn't keen on sweets. We only had the 9 inch pan at home, and Target didn't have any of the 4.5 inch ones available. I almost relented in my efforts for the cakes, but the combination of bf's suggestion and my stubbornness led to the purchase a KitchenAid muffin tin. I liked how it was very flat and how there size stayed relatively the same. From past experiences with muffin tins, I've had issues with the depth and shape. The one purchased seemed almost perfect for my endeavor. It was definitely mini-cake status.
My most embarrassing fail of the night came from my failure to bake. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until late morning. I wanted to give some to bf's mother for Mother's Day. There was no way I could get them done with the required cooling time :T FAIL!!
Here's the finished product :] New York styled mini-cheesecakes with blackberries, strawberries, and kiwis. I think it's easy to figure out my preference for cheesecake toppings :] I used these fruits because I purchased a bunch of them from Costco. The colors are so vibrant.
With twelve total in the batch, I portioned the ingredients to half of everything in the recipe found online (the same one I used the first time). This batch was baked for 20 minutes. The comments from various sites and blogs were very helpful. I added a bit of cinnamon into the graham cracker crust. It is recommended that vanilla waffers be used as the crust of mini-cheesecakes because it has a better texture. I may try that next time, and I'm tempted to make cheesecakes with Oreos, too :]
Butter the tin before pouring in the batter and crust. This helps with the cracks. Always remember a water bath to keep the cake moist. And this tip is to be suuper safe with the cracked cakes: use a warmed/buttered knife to separate the cake from the sides of the tin. The buttered sides should already help, but just in case the batter sticks to the sides, it may cause the cake to separate and crack while cooling.
Have a Happy Mother's Day :]
01 May 2011
I live with walls around me and I feel exposed without them. Opened doors bring me discomfort. I like my bubble, with the windows open for air. The application to this preference to my personality is hardly profound. I'm defensive, I'm stubborn, and I'm skeptical about too many things. I do not trust. So, is it really difficult to grasp why I'm so upset over a small lie?
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