rêves d'une âme perdue: inclined confusion

16 February 2012

2.5 - Refreshment

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 1:22 AM

Today was such an uplifting day. It was a good day.

I definitely needed the refreshment.

The dullest days always transform into best ones when you least expect it. When old and dear friends grace your life, for even the briefest moment, your breath just stops. You exhale after the encounter. You find the ability to let go of the negativity swirling in your mind. You let go of the weights which have kept you down. You refuse to let them taunt you anymore. You discover the strength you have been desperately seeking to simply be you again.

heartfelt talks and special peanut candies!

It has been a long time since I have been able to look beyond the darkness surrounding me. My moods have been terrible over the past few weeks.

I attribute the recent change to my dearest friends. I really do not have many anymore.

Minhchau calls these people her inner circle. I cannot think of another way to term to describe them.

You meet different people throughout life. They fit into different categories: casual acquaintances, coworkers, classmates, housemates, annoying drunk people, etc. There are the ones you spend time with because you adore them, but they cannot understand you. You know this and you keep yourself separated from them. You stay distanced. Then, there are the ones who see your heart. They peer into your soul. They completely connect to your thoughts and inner-most feelings. They completely understand your sentiments. They leave you with a profound feeling of awe for how much someone can just get it.

Christina has been trying to save me from of my depression. I love her to bits for always being there. She gives me constant love and support. I know I can be scary sometimes. But she accepts me for my flaws. She encourages me to work on myself: morally, spiritually, and socially. I am trying.

I miss being excited about the endless possibilities of life.

With Minhchau, we talked about our families, our heritage, our goals, and our relationships. We talked about where we came from. We focused on our parents: their past, their current lives, their happiness, their endless expectations. Their unconditional love. We talked about what we have accomplished and where we want to be in life. We acknowledged our inspiration. We reminded ourselves of why we work so hard. We reflected on our personal growth. How much we have matured. We pondered over the challenges to come. They are unknown. They are scary. We tried to imagined the future, but couldn't.

Every time we meet for a chat, she gives me a renewed sense of life. I love it.

Some relationships are just that beautiful. I am utterly grateful to have these two women in my life. I cannot thank them enough for their endless love.

15 February 2012

2.0 - Lyrical Mornings

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 1:01 PM

"Never want to stand upon myself
Never want to get in the way… I said it
I don't know what the plan is,
But you can share with me.
'Cause I'll be listening here to everything you say
I won't turn away and I'll listen, open up my heart
and I must say that I love you

Ooooh la love, I've fallen in love and it's better this time than ever before
Ooooh la love, I've fallen in love and it's better this time than I've ever known"

Foster the People - I Would Do Anything For You

I've been stuck on this song for the past few days. I'll attribute my fascination to the vinyl record I play every weekend. (Thanks bf! I'm totally stealing it from you.) I absolutely love the lyrics. Each line is filled with such sweet sentiments. Confessions of undying devotion and love.

Please excuse my slightly sappy phase. I much prefer it to the emo/depressing episode I have recently endured. Let's hope this keeps up for a while. I could use this change.

1.5 - Valentine's Day

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 12:34 AM

I've finally come to peace with Ugly Hearts Day. I am accepting a value beyond indulgence in consumerism.

I am choosing to look past the shallow expressions of love.

The pink and red surround me. It makes me feel like a child, fluttering through an elementary school classroom. I look to the walls and the decorations for the colorful indications of specific holidays. Now? February. My birth month. The deemed month of love. Even Starbucks has those pretty cups with hearts on them.

The rosy colors have been alluring reminders to express love for people in our lives. I still firmly believe that the expression of love should not be isolated to one specific day. Instead, it should be expressed every day. But it's nice to have that specific day to force the loved ones to do something nice for you. I am quite happy and content with that idea. I refuse to complain about being spoiled! :]

The boyfriend is off at school. This is how life will be for the next few years. As my newsfeed flooded with photos of flowers and extravagant gifts, I could not help but feel a tinge of envy. The posts were focused on the material worth of the item. Perhaps some thought was given to the love fostered in the items. Hrm, I highly doubt it. I believe a majority of the people who posted (gift) photos did not give much thought to the simplest thing: their ability to be close to each other. That is what I envy.

I just want my boyfriend here. With me. Even for just a day. I want to be close to him. But he's far away on a desolate island to study for class, to work and volunteer in-between, and to frolic on pretty beaches. Boo.

I'm still grateful for everything. I need to be more alert and count my blessings more often.

Valentine's Day 2012 Breakdown:

Woke up to find a card from my mother. It was the sweetest thing, ever.
Woke up to an adorable text from the boyfriend.
Ate Trader Joe's chocolate in class to stay awake. Utter failure.
Spent part of the afternoon with my father.
Received a video surprise from the boyfriend: a Lego stop motion video ^__^
Spent my evening at Starbucks. Studied.
Chatted and had a small HIMYM date with the boyfriend.

This is too much writing for me today. I shall end it now.

14 February 2012

1.0 - Difficulties

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 11:36 PM

No matter how many times I tell myself to start writing again, I always seem to fail.

The failure is more consistent than my promises to write.

The point of daily goals is to strive towards some point of redemption. At least, that's how it is for me. I need to be able to keep up with these personal promises to feel accomplished. I need to stop disappointing myself.

Writing: this was something I used to love to do. I shrugged it off when I was told how it gets harder to write when you're older. I always imagined that age brought wisdom and experiences write about. I was wrong. I have found difficulties in fully expressing my feelings. In the process of growing up and maturing, I grew accustomed to shoveling my feelings beneath the guise of inexplicable emotions. I piled them in lonesome stacks. Labeling the feelings as indescribable made them easier to ignore. I moved past them. I forgot them.

But I want to remember them again.

I want to remember how to express emotions to myself. I want to be able to express how I feel to those around me. Really, how did I get to this point? I find myself incapable of expressing gratitude, thanks, and adoration to loved ones. I'm muted, as though there's invisible tape on my lips.

This needs to change.

A month-or-so post-college, and I'm still trying to find myself. Why did things look easier when I was little? Why can't I accomplish simple things anymore?

Here's one solution: I need to control my Watcher. I will number my posts and write. Write, write, write away. Write like no one is watching. Write like no one is holding a red pen, ready to stab away at my words. Write until I overcome the despairing, self-imposed restrictions of expression.

I got this.

27 August 2011

Long-Distance Dates

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 12:39 AM

Disregarding the 4,000-or-so miles between us, the boyfriend and I have managed to have two dates together (so far!). Our first date took place during his first week away. We watched Through the Wormhole, since we were unable to watch it together before he left. The anticipation for the first episode has been building since he bought the entire season!

Our second date was supposed to be on one of those month marks :P I had to work over the weekend to help with sampling at the lab. K asked me to check for a package that he was expecting that day. Knowing him, I assumed it was some bulk order of gadgets from ThinkGeek. And our professor invited everyone to dinner, so I told him that I'd have our housemate sign for it.

I came home to a vase of flowers. Sadly, I didn't spot it until an hour later. I rushed to my room without turning on the lights in the living room, hoping to catch the bf online, but he had disappeared. Sulked in my room for a bit before seeing the surprise downstairs.

stir, stir, stir the curry!

We had to reschedule our second date because he fell asleep.. -_____- SIGH. Uber fail. We still managed to cook dry curry together :]

my late-lunch/his dinner for the day. dry curry with ground pork, a side of Tejava, and the flowers he sent me!

And we ate it together, too! :]

08 August 2011

Time to Restart

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 6:08 PM

Updates have been seldom on this blog, but all for good reason. I was spending more time with the boyfriend before he had to leave for vet school.

I just feel a loss for words right now. Instead, tears and pangs of sadness are my familiarities. My attempt at productivity today was found in unpacking, doing laundry, and cleaning my room. Cleaning the room made me even more upset. It's weird to know that he won't be around to throw his socks around anymore, or any of those little things he did that gave me minor frustrations after cleaning. It's sad, but I got teary and sad yesterday evening when we were brushing our teeth after dinner when I thought of how we won't be able to brush together anymore. He just laughed at me, with his toothbrush still in his mouth, and tried to hug me while I was still brushing and crying :[

I need to get used to how things were before everything. It's just a lot harder than it should be right now. And I feel bad because things will be much more difficult for him because he's in a new place by himself. I don't want to be so upset around him when we do get to talk, so.. must try harder :[

05 June 2011

A Minor Photo-Infused Update

0 comments Posted by nanabuuui at 2:06 AM

My life as of late. I'm sparing the photos which chronicle my failed attempts to study during finals week (of tea, water, burnt pizzas, snacks, etc). With less than a week left until my commencement ceremony, I will savor this carefree feeling a little longer. I'll just focus on studying and sleeping until Tuesday! :]

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