16 March 2012
Turning off the Watcher again. I will begin to churn out thoughtful/thought-provoking posts again, once I figure myself out.
13 March 2012
Vietnamese coffee for dinner was a bad idea. It has left me with too much energy. I feel jumpy. I feel anxious. I feel nauseous.
Maybe it was the Greek yogurt before dinner + spicy bun bo hue + coffee combination. Hrm.
This combination of anxiety is too much for me. I have too much energy and too many things I want to channel the energy towards: studying, working through physics problems, reading amazing stories, writing about deep thoughts, watching shows, more running, etc.
I want something more. I always want more. I want to experience all of the endless possibilities of life. There's so little time to accomplish everything. More than often, I find myself sitting still and contemplating what to do. Time passes by too quickly during those pensive moments. And before I even realize it, the day is done. I need to be more assertive with my decisions.
At this particular moment, it has taken about two hours for me to finally write this post. I'm too jumpy. I think too much and do too little.
There's always more to life. Contemplating it isn't enough. Talking about it will never satisfy me. I must do more. I need to constantly be reminded of this simple idea. Sigh. This surge of anxiety is too much for me right now. It's still a good reminder to define passion and drive.
The laziness subdues this feeling. Sometimes, I relish it. Being lazy calms my nerves. But AHHH!!
I want more. I want more. I want to know more. I want to accomplish so much. I'm nervous that I won't be able to do everything in my life.
Right now I want someone to calm me down. But he's too far away. I want him to tell me that everything will be okay. I need him to tell me not to be nervous. I need to know that life won't be such a pain. I want too much right now. I don't know how to express anything.
Been searching for something good to read to fill the empty spots in my brain. GAH.
Turning off the Watcher in my mind to type away. Mindlessly.
Show me. Show me.
I think this song sums up my feelings a bit:
Life: the culmination of desires and feelings, and the willingness/strength to pursue those desires. Actions are so much more. Dreaming isn't enough. This is what I need to be successful and happy.
I know what I want. I've always known where I want to end up and what I want to become. But it's so scary to even get there. The challenges. Ah. The hardships along the way. Again, I need to work on building up the mentality to get there.
Rant rant.
Let's work towards a good future. I want to keep dreaming. I want to believe it will be real. I need to make it real. Small steps. Baby steps. I'll start with doing more homework problems.
Challenges. I know the next two years of my life won't be the easiest. Praying for the strength to endure and to grow from this process. I have so much more to learn. I need to be more patient. I need to be kind. I need to be tolerant. I need to be understanding. I need to know how to accomplish small goals. I need to think about my words. I really need to be patient with my family.
So much to work on.
I am afraid of failing.
08 March 2012
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| taken from tumblr. credits to candytomysoul. |
03 March 2012
I missed the recap from last week, so I will post it later. Here are the photos from this week (starting from Sunday, 2/26):
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| Amanda marbled my nails after our family dinner. |
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| Thomas brought me sushi after work :] !! |
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| Studying with the bf on vidchat while arguing about which show is better: Doctor Who or House. Obviously, the answer is the Doctor! He travels through space and time, without the anger problems and Vicodin addiction. |
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| Cafe con Chocolat while studying on Wednesday. Briefly saw Christina and Andy came by, too! |
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| Bar review at Our House with my favorites! :] I got my nickname that night :D |
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| Cafe Rolle with my uncle, Amanda, and her father. This was a sort-of hangout/lunch before uncle left for Vietnam. Family time! |
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| Trader Joe's after a day of starvation. Note to self: bring food with me next time :X |
I just woke up from a deep slumber, only to find myself feeling empty, like I lost something. Not just lost, but I missed out on something important in my life. It felt like I/whatever it was had given up.
Empty. An abandoned shell of what could have been.
Why do vague dreams make me feel this way? I woke up and no, I am unable to recall any specific details :/
Upset. At one point, I only felt upset.
Please, don't let yourself be chided by things you didn't do or things you could have done differently. Learning how to harness confidence in decisions is they key.
Maybe that is the lesson to be learned from this.
edit://
I was able to recall only a portion of the dream. Part of it dealt with someone I really care about. In the dream, he acted as though he did not care about our relationship. It just hurt. Hrm. Oh well. It was just a dream and it's totes not true :]
01 March 2012
I think it's time for me to read a thought provoking novel.
Slaughterhouse Five has always been a favorite.
Is it time for My Antonia again? Every three or four years, I reread it. I learn something new. The last time was summer of second year for my American lit class. Or was it my first year?
Memory fails.
Almost time, I think.
29 February 2012
The past week has been difficult. I found it challenging to focus.
Get back to it!